The 2020 New York Jets football team is awful, historically awful. In a record-setting season for scoring points, where quarterbacks routinely throw 4 touchdowns in a single game, the Jets, led by an alleged offensive guru in Adam “Crazy Eyes” Gase, only managed to throw 4 TD’s total in their first 8 games. Amidst talk of “Tanking for Trevor”, the Jets have recently managed to blow leads against the New England Patriots and Oakland Raiders in mind-boggling fashion, as they desperately cling to a one game “lead” over the Jacksonville Jaguars for the #1 pick in the 2021 NFL Draft. It takes a lot to out-Jets the Jets, but the Jets are certainly giving it a shot. So, let’s look ahead, as all J-E-T-S fans are conditioned to do, with our Five Fave: New York Jets 2021 Bold Predictions.
#5 – Jets Owner / U.S. Ambassador to the U.K. Woody Johnson Sells 50% of Jets to Donald Trump
New York Jets owner Robert “Woody” Johnson IV repays Donald Trump for sparing him the in-person embarrassment of owning the team for the past 4 years by naming him United Stated Ambassador to the United Kingdom. He fulfills Trump’s dream of being part of the NFL by selling him half of the worst franchise in the league, quite the bargain, and an excellent use for all of those “Stop The Steal” donations. This time, the league approves, remembering that blocking Trump from buying the Buffalo Bills led him on his crusade to become President and trash the league and it’s players for silently protesting.
#4 – Jets Hire a TV Coach
With Donald Trump now on board, he follows the only hiring practice he knows, picking people he sees on TV. The Jets bring in the coaches from the network halftime shows for interviews. Trump realizes that he has been punked by Chris Christie, when he learns that Tony Dungy is not, in fact, an Italian from New Jersey, and he is quickly dismissed as a candidate. Jimmy Johnson refuses to leave South Florida, explaining that old people simply do not move from Florida to New York, a logic that even Mar-a-Lago Donny can comprehend. Bill Cowher is convinced to resume coaching, with a $20 million annual salary. Kyle Chandler leaves the waiting room in disgust, thinking he was thisclose to getting the job.
#3 – Jets Trade Down, and Completely Out, of the 2021 Draft, Stockpiling Picks in the 2022 Draft
After a long history of throwing away valuable picks in order to slightly move up in the draft, only to pick legends such as Mark “Butt-Fumble” Sanchez and Sammy “Ghosts” Darnold, the Jets about-face and start dealing down. Concerned that #1 prospect Trevor Lawrence is going to pull an “Eli Manning” and demand a trade, they cleverly preempt this embarrassment by trading away the pick they tanked so hard for. Excited by getting so many things for just one thing, GM Jared Kushner excitedly trades away ALL of the Jets 2021 picks for future picks.
#2 – Trump Changes Team Logo to JET$, Team Colors back to Gold and Navy
Nobody likes the latest incarnation of the New York Jets logo and uniform. The design is boring, and the logo now reads JFTS, for some reason. Donny & Woody want to go back to the beginning, when they were called “The Titans of New York”, but Tennessee has the name now. They settle for the original Gold and Navy colors, focusing on Gold, Trump’s favorite color. They replace the tiny football in the logo with a bag of coins, add a $ to the team name – J-E-T-$ – and get shiny gold helmets like Notre Dame.
#1 – Jets Sign Sponsorship Deal with Hooters, Renames Team to New York Hooters, Changes Colors to Orange / White
Woody Johnson learns about team sponsorship during his time ambassadoring in the UK. With the “Deal” maker / rule breaker now part of his team, the New York Jets become the first NFL team to be completely sponsored, when they sell all naming rights to the Hooters restaurant chain. They change their name to the New York Hooters. They change their colors to Orange / White, since nobody is using those anymore. The cheerleaders now wear short shorts and cut-off T-shirts, as they launch buffalo wings into the crowd. With zero draft picks, and a coach who didn’t really even want to coach again, the Jets, I mean the Hooters, still Suck! Suck!! Suck!!!